The day I was informed of my mother’s illness and her serious condition, I packed a small baggage of clothes and flew to Mumbai immediately. Never gave a thought how my son and husband would manage without me, given the fact the erratic work timings of my husband. At that time, I didn’t know that I would return home only after two months but victorious.
Amma developed an imbalance in oxygen and carbon-dioxide ratio in her blood, due to which she was literally kissing death every day of her stay in ICU for 22 days. My sisters did come and stay for a week or 10 days but their work schedule back in Chennai could not allow them beyond that.
Amma’s fair hands and thighs became black due to blood tests conducted twice a day. I had to cut her thick, long hair short out of compulsion (of course with her permission in a semi-conscious state) as it was becoming unmanageable to comb what with all the tubes around. Still she was grace personified.
It was my brother and I, who accompanied Amma back from the hospital in a semi-conscious condition on the evening of 22nd January, 2007. My brother had to join duty on 23rd as he had already taken leave for more than a month.
I was left all alone to manage my mother. In fact, the doctors had clearly stated that there might not be any improvement in her condition and that she may have to live in this condition for the rest of her life, given her weight and age factors.
A sudden shrill went through my spine – what if I goof up something, what if I sleep in the night when her oxygen cylinder becomes empty, what if I don’t set her bipap properly, what if she doesn’t respond to whatever I do or give, what if I don’t hear when she cries for my help……. endless sleepless nights and nightmares or it looked so…….
She responded beautifully to my hand of care. In fact, I treated her like my little child. I was thrilled to see the improvements in her everyday, which I would report to my brother promptly in the night. She was positive to my encouraging words.
I was overjoyed every time when she could grasp a spoon with shaking hands, a glass of water with spillage here and there, medicines swallowed as whole instead of powdering them, sitting on the bed then falling on the bed immediately, her first failed and faltered step, her stepping out of the bedroom with my support, her satisfied look upon sitting on the sofa of the living room, her renewed interest at the television serial, her supported walk to bathroom, her reaction to the first droplets of water that fell on her……
It was a miracle, so said the doctors. It was all possible because of
• prayers of well wishers
• mother’s positive thinking
• brother’s unconditional support
• my son’s understanding
• my husband’s kind gesture
She is now without oxygen support, walks on her own inside the house and lives a cheerful life.
God is all merciful that He wants her children to enjoy the love of at least one parent for some more time as my father died 11 years back.
P.S. This article is written only from my point of view
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Guruji speaks...
* When we contemplate, we must allow a thought to lead us to the borders of the intellect. We must then pursue the Truth beyond the level of thought and grasp the Truth intuitively. If we go on analyzing, we will be stuck at the level of thought and we will not be able to understand the Truth.
* We should not confuse contemplation with endless analysis, which sometimes leads to perversion that takes us away from our goal. In contemplation there will be absolutely no agitation or disappointment because we do not seek anything.
* We must accept the human aspect of our life. We have to be human before we can be Divine. It is natural to emote, get disappointed, cry, laugh etc. but these are normally seen as weaknesses and condemned. From this level we have to rise and divinise. Once we are human, becoming Divine is very easy.
* We should not reject the so called material life. There is no such thing as a material life and a Spiritual life. Everything is Spiritual. Taking care of a child, working properly anywhere, earning money rightfully are all Spiritual acts. What is not Spiritual here? We should never neglect any part of life. Every bit of life is Spiritual.
* We must consciously expand our thoughts, emotions and our awareness and stop thinking in a narrow way. We should stop emoting only for ourselves. If we cannot place ourselves in the shoes of those suffering anywhere in the world, we cannot consider ourselves to be Spiritual. If there is nothing we can do, let there be rage against Adharma. These vibrations will have their impact.
* Try to become aware of the vastness of the ocean or the earth. After experiencing this, you cannot behave in a small way. If you have a kingdom and if someone asks for it, you will just give it away.
* Equanimity is Yoga . Any imbalance causes upheavals. An imbalance in the flow of energies in the Nadis will cause a disturbance in health. If there is imbalance in our Spiritual and material activities, we will have problems. If there is imbalance in our emoting and reasoning, there will be no peace of mind. An imbalance in our knowledge and practice will disturb our Sadhana.
* In silence there is activity. When there is silence at the level of the body, there is activity at the level of mind and intellect. When there is silence in the body and mind, there is activity in the intellect. When there is silence in all these levels, there is activity at the level of the soul. And if there is silence at the level of the soul, there is activity at the level of the Super-soul.
* We ask for things and we get them most of the times. When we do not get what we ask for, we have to wonder whether we are asking for the right thing. If in spite of repeated requests, God does not give us a particular thing, then we have to accept that not getting what we ask for is the right thing. We must remember always that God is wise and knows what is best for us. If we make Him a companion, we can understand this easily but we put Him away in photos and temples instead.
* A 'Sthita Pragna' is a person who is always smiling and not someone who does not emote and remains like a stone. We are human beings first. Let us be very happy and proud about that. We have come down to this plane just to be human beings, not gods. We were gods. We have come here to go through the human experience. Let us not be ashamed of this.
* The essence of spirituality is, not holding on to anyone or anything. We should not hold on to even pain and memories. You must allow them to just glide back to their proper places.
Excerpts from the February 2008 Newsletter
* We should not confuse contemplation with endless analysis, which sometimes leads to perversion that takes us away from our goal. In contemplation there will be absolutely no agitation or disappointment because we do not seek anything.
* We must accept the human aspect of our life. We have to be human before we can be Divine. It is natural to emote, get disappointed, cry, laugh etc. but these are normally seen as weaknesses and condemned. From this level we have to rise and divinise. Once we are human, becoming Divine is very easy.
* We should not reject the so called material life. There is no such thing as a material life and a Spiritual life. Everything is Spiritual. Taking care of a child, working properly anywhere, earning money rightfully are all Spiritual acts. What is not Spiritual here? We should never neglect any part of life. Every bit of life is Spiritual.
* We must consciously expand our thoughts, emotions and our awareness and stop thinking in a narrow way. We should stop emoting only for ourselves. If we cannot place ourselves in the shoes of those suffering anywhere in the world, we cannot consider ourselves to be Spiritual. If there is nothing we can do, let there be rage against Adharma. These vibrations will have their impact.
* Try to become aware of the vastness of the ocean or the earth. After experiencing this, you cannot behave in a small way. If you have a kingdom and if someone asks for it, you will just give it away.
* Equanimity is Yoga . Any imbalance causes upheavals. An imbalance in the flow of energies in the Nadis will cause a disturbance in health. If there is imbalance in our Spiritual and material activities, we will have problems. If there is imbalance in our emoting and reasoning, there will be no peace of mind. An imbalance in our knowledge and practice will disturb our Sadhana.
* In silence there is activity. When there is silence at the level of the body, there is activity at the level of mind and intellect. When there is silence in the body and mind, there is activity in the intellect. When there is silence in all these levels, there is activity at the level of the soul. And if there is silence at the level of the soul, there is activity at the level of the Super-soul.
* We ask for things and we get them most of the times. When we do not get what we ask for, we have to wonder whether we are asking for the right thing. If in spite of repeated requests, God does not give us a particular thing, then we have to accept that not getting what we ask for is the right thing. We must remember always that God is wise and knows what is best for us. If we make Him a companion, we can understand this easily but we put Him away in photos and temples instead.
* A 'Sthita Pragna' is a person who is always smiling and not someone who does not emote and remains like a stone. We are human beings first. Let us be very happy and proud about that. We have come down to this plane just to be human beings, not gods. We were gods. We have come here to go through the human experience. Let us not be ashamed of this.
* The essence of spirituality is, not holding on to anyone or anything. We should not hold on to even pain and memories. You must allow them to just glide back to their proper places.
Excerpts from the February 2008 Newsletter
Thursday, February 21, 2008
O my darling! (Face 2)
Gales are raging outside
Sand is blown all over the roads
You are resting cozily in my arms
O my darling! Will you open your eyes?
Rattles are yearning for your bash
Blabbers are what I want to hear
You are an angel of this house
O my darling! Will you wake up with a giggle?
Hold my hands tightly for a shower
Dance without rhythms and power
You are bathing in all splendour
O my darling! Will you quickly end your play?
Baby smell of your skin is a wonder
None can beat your softness dear
You are lovely and joyful ever
O my darling! Will you drink your milk fully?
I don’t count my kisses on you
I can’t live without your laughs
You are the best gift I’ve ever got
O my darling! Will you call me ‘mama’ soon?
P.S. This picture is uploaded only for an inspirational write.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Sing alone in the silence of love
Cuddling my beautiful body of wonder
I refuse to leave my man of larceny
Who adored my being of purity
Visualizing myself on a forest bed
I recall among the rustles of dried leaves
Those noiseless chatters of our eyes
Thrilling flies of butterflies arise
At the dance of soft hair caressing my neck
As his thought jeopardize my stomach
Feeling cold I try to cover up my feet
Which quiver awhile beyond my control
For I recollect they were his object of adoration
A sweet sensation of love tickles my heart
Endlessly chanting the lyrics of our souls
Which I sing all alone in the silence of love
Cuddling my beautiful body of wonder
I refuse to leave my man of euphoria
Who left for ever this being of purity
P.S. This is my second contribution for the second picture of Express Yourself Contest Week 14
Picture courtesy : Dr. Madhvi & Saranya Patel
Monday, February 18, 2008
May I speak with you?
Do you remember those gentle words
That marked our journey of togetherness
Where flowers bloomed in colours of joy
In the eternal garden of love?
Do you remember those gentle gestures
That spun our moments of expressions
Where birds cried in echoes of wonder
Sitting in the wish fulfilling trees of passions?
Do you remember those gentle glances
That tied our hearts of oneness
Where songs were sung by angels of pure
Standing in the peripherals of light?
Do you also remember your parting words
That shattered my world of innocence
Which made me wander without you
With a broken heart that could never be fixed?
You may not remember this rain of course
That connected me once when I cried
Where my soul felt stillness in my coffin
What with my life laid to rest already?
You may not remember me though
I wait for a moment of your glimpse
To say a word of my love of eternity
May I speak with you, my darling?
P.S. This poem is my contribution for Poetry Contest Week 14.
Picture courtesy - Dr. Madhvi & Saranya Patel
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
O my darling!
Fragrance filled the air to announce your birth
Jingle bells rhymed to welcome the joy wonder
Angels of heaven sang in chorus of your arrival
O my darling! Sleep well now without dreams
Your unborn kicks were reasons for my love
Your inborn tricks are causes of my laughter now
Your cry for my attention makes me feel special
O my darling! Sleep well now without fears
Retain this tenderness in your heart always
Sustain your personality of this sweetness ever
Live only a life of vision of your desires
O my darling! Sleep well now without worries
Prattles of toothless gums have tired you enough
Kicks of delicate legs are wearing you more
So rest on my shoulder and close your eyes gently
O my darling! Sleep well now without disturbances
You are neither that beautiful baby on the wall
Nor am I the mother gorgeous to strike a pose
Learn to live with black skin and ugly looks
O my darling! Sleep well now with a smile on your lips
P.S. This picture is uploaded only for an inspirational write and not for any other purpose.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
I love you too
What a heartless creature I am to leave her twin sister (Sh) aside and write a blog on the heroine (Sw) of the last blog! When I heard the cries of Sh over phone with interludes, “Why did you not write about me? Don’t you love me?” I burst into laughter at first but then realized that this has the potential of becoming a sibling clash. So, I quickly decided to patch up the displeasure thereby bringing smile on my dear Sh too. :)
Soft hair, round face, chubby cheeks, smiling face, bubbling enthusiasm – a few words to define her.
Let me state a line in between that Sh is a clear papa girl. Whoever has seen the father and daughter together, they can see the unique bond being shared between them.
Among the identical twins, Sh is the eldest. While Sw reminds me of self, Sh is a typical sketch of my son. In the sense, she doesn’t like to borrow ideas from others as she has her own convictions. No wonder they two are often seen together giggling and laughing all the time.
A charming girl she is, it is a delight to speak with her. Intelligence and innocence mixed, she is a true mystery even to me, who has seen her since her birth. She has the capability to quickly adapt herself to any surrounding and people.
It is a delight to strike a conversation with her.
Upon her return from US, she naively said, “Let’s all go to US and stay. It’s very nice there because I don’t have to go to school.”
I asked her, “You have to go…”
She replied hastily, “Only my cousins staying there need to go. Not me. You don’t know. It’s like that.”
Moreover, she has an answer for anything you ask her. After all, she is a smart kid like any other, isn’t she?
Nowadays I am hearing from her mother that she has already planned the theme for her birthday on August 31st – purple walls, purple dress, no adults, only her friends,…….. A girl turning 6 wants her birthday to be celebrated in the way she likes, thus giving little room for her twin sister to raise her voice.
She reminds me of my son in her questioning and supreme confidence. She is a girl version of my son to be precise.
I love you very much dear just like your sister. Do you love me?
P.S. I have maintained the same word count so as to avoid any tug of war between the twins. :)
Soft hair, round face, chubby cheeks, smiling face, bubbling enthusiasm – a few words to define her.
Let me state a line in between that Sh is a clear papa girl. Whoever has seen the father and daughter together, they can see the unique bond being shared between them.
Among the identical twins, Sh is the eldest. While Sw reminds me of self, Sh is a typical sketch of my son. In the sense, she doesn’t like to borrow ideas from others as she has her own convictions. No wonder they two are often seen together giggling and laughing all the time.
A charming girl she is, it is a delight to speak with her. Intelligence and innocence mixed, she is a true mystery even to me, who has seen her since her birth. She has the capability to quickly adapt herself to any surrounding and people.
It is a delight to strike a conversation with her.
Upon her return from US, she naively said, “Let’s all go to US and stay. It’s very nice there because I don’t have to go to school.”
I asked her, “You have to go…”
She replied hastily, “Only my cousins staying there need to go. Not me. You don’t know. It’s like that.”
Moreover, she has an answer for anything you ask her. After all, she is a smart kid like any other, isn’t she?
Nowadays I am hearing from her mother that she has already planned the theme for her birthday on August 31st – purple walls, purple dress, no adults, only her friends,…….. A girl turning 6 wants her birthday to be celebrated in the way she likes, thus giving little room for her twin sister to raise her voice.
She reminds me of my son in her questioning and supreme confidence. She is a girl version of my son to be precise.
I love you very much dear just like your sister. Do you love me?
P.S. I have maintained the same word count so as to avoid any tug of war between the twins. :)
I miss you
Young, dark, beautiful, shy, intelligent, naïve and innocent – that’s the girl who told me once again ‘I missed you’ in a birthday party yesterday.
I vividly remember her baby days where she never got along with anyone unlike her twin sister. She was a bit reserved, used to cry most of the times, and happy to cling on to her mother always.
It is really wonderful to see the babies grow in front of our eyes. This cry baby has grown up into a lovely girl of five now. In fact, she reminds me of my childhood wherein I used to become deathly silent upon seeing a crowd and stay in my own world. Many times, I have seen myself in her. But I must also mention that she is equally naughty and full of joy & laughter when the surroundings and people are of her liking.
During her babyhood, I did manage to handle her many a time as she was graceful enough to find peace in me. Of late, whenever our families meet, I speak and spend time with her with as much as I do with her sister and move away with my friend to catch up with our conversation. But this girl, out of her own will, walks up to me every time to say, “You are beautiful today,” or “You are beautiful in this dress,” followed by, “I missed you very much...”
Do I need to say more how happy I would become upon hearing this, that too from a young girl of 5, who is still unexposed to any sort of pretense or artificiality? I am glad to declare that she reserves this honour to me.
I have often wondered what could be her perception of beauty. Why does she love me so much? What and where is the ‘connectedness’ between us?
Were we related to each other in our previous lives? Is this called ‘soul love’ or ‘soul connections’?
If that is so, it is rarely felt in this world where people meet with an artificial smile, laugh in the gatherings and move away with their lives. Such unconditional, untainted, voluntary, pure love is a rarity to be seen and experienced.
She landed in Bahrain yesterday evening after a short trip of four days to Dubai. The minute she saw me, she whispered in private, “When I had been to Dubai, I missed you very much….”
Am I not really fortunate?
I vividly remember her baby days where she never got along with anyone unlike her twin sister. She was a bit reserved, used to cry most of the times, and happy to cling on to her mother always.
It is really wonderful to see the babies grow in front of our eyes. This cry baby has grown up into a lovely girl of five now. In fact, she reminds me of my childhood wherein I used to become deathly silent upon seeing a crowd and stay in my own world. Many times, I have seen myself in her. But I must also mention that she is equally naughty and full of joy & laughter when the surroundings and people are of her liking.
During her babyhood, I did manage to handle her many a time as she was graceful enough to find peace in me. Of late, whenever our families meet, I speak and spend time with her with as much as I do with her sister and move away with my friend to catch up with our conversation. But this girl, out of her own will, walks up to me every time to say, “You are beautiful today,” or “You are beautiful in this dress,” followed by, “I missed you very much...”
Do I need to say more how happy I would become upon hearing this, that too from a young girl of 5, who is still unexposed to any sort of pretense or artificiality? I am glad to declare that she reserves this honour to me.
I have often wondered what could be her perception of beauty. Why does she love me so much? What and where is the ‘connectedness’ between us?
Were we related to each other in our previous lives? Is this called ‘soul love’ or ‘soul connections’?
If that is so, it is rarely felt in this world where people meet with an artificial smile, laugh in the gatherings and move away with their lives. Such unconditional, untainted, voluntary, pure love is a rarity to be seen and experienced.
She landed in Bahrain yesterday evening after a short trip of four days to Dubai. The minute she saw me, she whispered in private, “When I had been to Dubai, I missed you very much….”
Am I not really fortunate?
Friday, February 08, 2008
Wisps of mental whispers
Shying away from the naked breeze
Soft tendrils of black and white locks
Cross my sensual face in a hurry
Looking through those wisps of hair
The child in me is awakened to count
The strands that careen my eye lashes
Petite knots that run near my nostrils
Quiver as if a storm has befallen
Only to move past swiftly to my lips
Enjoying the play of zephyr on me
I tie my hair up with eyes closed
Swinging to sweet childhood memories
I dig up from the depth of the past
Bare feet running in the fields of open
And burning hands in the lost tug of wars
Curious attic discoveries with the ladder
And ghost stories surrounding lonely trees
Walk past my memory scan in élan
I replay again and again those moments of
My silence upon seeing the contours of clouds
And wide gaping at the screeching pulleys
Hearing the loud knocks of my door
I refuse to move from the windowsill
Only to continue my reminiscences
Lo! Like those disarrayed puzzles
Caught in a storm of beastly order
My memories shuffle in quick succession
Pulling out my boyish pranks in front
A neat collage of past in black & white
Gets knotted to my utter surprise
Pleased with my brain of splendor today
I glance through the window slowly
To paint my mind work with cosmic colours
With the pounding of steps closer and closer
And the known voices nearer and nearer
I lie back on my bed with a false humility
Sshhh…. Let me do my own colouring later
As the mental doctor enters into my room
To trigger my sleep of irrelevant dreams of colours
This is my contribution for Contest Week 13
Picture Courtesy : spk100
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Puppy refuses to leave me
Last year, my son was terribly disturbed after watching the movie ‘Vettaiyadu Vilaiyadu’ in theatres starring Kamal Hassan and Jothika. It took him more than a month to come out of the mental trauma that the celluloid violence had thrust on him.
In the film, two young medical (gay) students target young girls for their medical research. They cut the thumb of the girls live, rape, kill and bury them. To the horror of the parents of missing girls, a thumb dripping with blood would hang at their doorsteps.
The boys had acted extremely well so much so that my son started believing them to be real characters and feared that they might knock our doors at any time.
Three days back, when I read the disturbing news in our local newspaper, Gulf Daily News, I was really horrified. I could not eat, sleep, think or stop tears from my eyes. I am pushed to the depressed state effortlessly since then.
A three week old puppy was stolen from the animal sanctuary of Bahrain by local thugs in the night of last Thursday. The headline news was, they peeled off the skin of the puppy from the forehead till the collar, cut both the ears neatly and left him back in the same place to die.
Killing is a dastardly act no doubt but such cruelty has no pardon at all. It speaks volumes and volumes of psychological disorder, mental instability, brutal attitude, heartless character and poor upbringing.
What pleasure could a person derive from such shameful acts? How can a human hurt a defenseless, new born living being to this extent? Even if caught by the police, will there be any trial of justice? Or will the culprits be left free as the damage was done only to a small puppy? What is the guarantee that such sadism will not be tried on humans as well? How could such people be recognized in the crowd?
So many questions echo from the walls of my flat but with no answer.
Puppy has the mental strength to withstand this unimaginable torture. Human beings must have already gained enough distrust gracefully in his eyes as he is destined to live with the physical scar and mental fear throughout his life, thanks to us. Probably he may grow into a fine dog and forget whatever had happened to him in his baby days.
But, just as the memories of good and bad refuse to leave me, the unseen puppy too has found a place among them. At present, he refuses to leave me out of my mind and heart.
In the film, two young medical (gay) students target young girls for their medical research. They cut the thumb of the girls live, rape, kill and bury them. To the horror of the parents of missing girls, a thumb dripping with blood would hang at their doorsteps.
The boys had acted extremely well so much so that my son started believing them to be real characters and feared that they might knock our doors at any time.
Three days back, when I read the disturbing news in our local newspaper, Gulf Daily News, I was really horrified. I could not eat, sleep, think or stop tears from my eyes. I am pushed to the depressed state effortlessly since then.
A three week old puppy was stolen from the animal sanctuary of Bahrain by local thugs in the night of last Thursday. The headline news was, they peeled off the skin of the puppy from the forehead till the collar, cut both the ears neatly and left him back in the same place to die.
Killing is a dastardly act no doubt but such cruelty has no pardon at all. It speaks volumes and volumes of psychological disorder, mental instability, brutal attitude, heartless character and poor upbringing.
What pleasure could a person derive from such shameful acts? How can a human hurt a defenseless, new born living being to this extent? Even if caught by the police, will there be any trial of justice? Or will the culprits be left free as the damage was done only to a small puppy? What is the guarantee that such sadism will not be tried on humans as well? How could such people be recognized in the crowd?
So many questions echo from the walls of my flat but with no answer.
Puppy has the mental strength to withstand this unimaginable torture. Human beings must have already gained enough distrust gracefully in his eyes as he is destined to live with the physical scar and mental fear throughout his life, thanks to us. Probably he may grow into a fine dog and forget whatever had happened to him in his baby days.
But, just as the memories of good and bad refuse to leave me, the unseen puppy too has found a place among them. At present, he refuses to leave me out of my mind and heart.
Sunday, February 03, 2008
Why do you hide light?
O Lady of Beauty!
The dust of memories that glow
Releases tears in a steady flow
Do I not deserve your hand to hold?
Why do you hide light of gold?
O Lady of Grace!
Joy and sorrow make me cry
Shadows of light defeat my try
Do I not deserve your caring stare?
Why do you hide light of my share?
O Lady of Love!
Luminous objects glare my face
Delightful emotions choke my base
Do I not deserve your loving glance?
Why do you hide light of trance?
O Lady of Silence!
Head or heart I know not to discern
Feelings and thoughts I mix up often
Do I not deserve a state of ‘be’?
Why do you hide light from me?
O Lady of Pure!
World of fantasies rule my life
They refuse to guide me when in strife
Do I not deserve my father’s kingdom?
Why don’t you shower light of wisdom?
I believe that this picture of Raja Ravi Varma belongs to public domain. I have uploaded it only for an inspirational write and not for any other purpose.
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